Hopkins Replaces Christ Statue With Bloomberg

Philanthropist claims he saved more people

Baltimore (SPP) – Johns Hopkins Hospital announced today that they had replaced the giant statue of Jesus in their administrative building with a statue of billionaire businessman, politician, and philanthropist, Michael Bloomberg. Hopkins President, Redonda Miller, stated in a press release that this was in response to another generous gift from Bloomberg. She also stated that it was “more in keeping with the times, so that people of all religions and none can feel more welcome.”

Bloomberg announced last week that he was going to donate an additional 1 billion dollars to the hospital to help them serve the area’s poor. Over the years, Bloomberg already has donated well over a billion dollars to Johns Hopkins Hospital and University. The billionaire attributes much of his success to the education he received as an undergraduate at Johns Hopkins University.

“I love to give back and Baltimore needs the help,” Bloomberg told reporters when asked to comment. “It was my idea to condition my recent gift on replacing the statue. I have nothing against Jesus or those who worship him, but come on, if you look at the Bible and add it up, Jesus probably only cured about a dozen people. I’ve literally saved thousands directly through my donations to the hospital. And if you include all the people who quit smoking, lost weight, or got their blood pressure lowered thanks to my legislative accomplishments, I’ve saved millions. Sorry, but that beats what any backwater preacher in a far off corner of the Roman Empire ever did.” While Bloomberg was mayor of New York, he led successful public health efforts to reduce smoking, and limit consumption of high caloric drinks and salt..

Not everyone was so happy with the decision to remove the famous Christ statue, that was first placed at the Hospital in 1896 to inspire people with the image of Jesus as a healer and minister to the sick. “It’s an absolute disgrace,” Annapolis resident and Hopkins employee, John Lam, stated. “The Christ statue was uplifting and wasn’t hurting anyone. Also, the new statue is terrible. It looks like they just replaced Christ’s head with a poorly crafted image of Bloomberg’s head.

However, others were more supportive. Annapolis Mayor Gavin Buckley stated, “It’s very progressive, mate. I had the opportunity to meet with Mikey Bloomberg recently. Real good bloke. Got me thinking about maybe doing something similar around here. Maybe I’ll take out some parking spaces downtown and replace them with a tribute to me and Michael Bloomberg.”